Hurt people, hurt people

    I found that after I started to read the Bible, it was so thought provoking to me that I could not get enough of it, I took it slow and pondered on many things that Jesus addressed as well as things I came across in the Old Testament.

 It answered many questions I had about life. How to treat other people,  What was holy. 

Surprising to me was Jesus coming against the religious people of his day.  He came against the way they treated people, addressed being meek and loving God and loving your neighbor as yourself.

  I didn't have any close neighbors, but I did have a family. Jesus was using that sermon and others, to speak to me on how I spoke to and treated my oldest daughter ,who was 6 at that time..

  To make a long story short, I had a lot of baggage from my own upbringing. I was made fun of as a child from my parents. I was  probably  an overly sensitive child. In any event, I was raised in a dysfunctional family, and married a man who was from a dysfunctional family.  

   I was harsh, and not sensitive to my daughter. Between her dad and I, she had it pretty rough, with words that hurt, she had frustrated parents that were not even remotely kind.

   My husband  told me very point blank, that if I hadn't  gotten pregnant, he never would have married me. How nice. He reminded me often  that I was worthless.  I resented the fact that I got myself into this relationship, I had such hope that when we got married we would have a normal family life. But that did not happen. There was a lot pain, no reprieve and I hate to admit it, but  resented her,  and all the problems that came because I was treated so bad from her dad. I was 18 and in no way ready for all the problems I faced daily.

  So life was pretty sad.  I passed my husbands behavior down to her. 

God had a lot of work to do in me. He was beginning to do  that by tenderizing my heart. He first made it clear that  when my husband said something harsh and demeaning to me, that, that statement was not true.

And I should not receive that as truth. This happened many times to me. I started realizing this and it was like I had an invisible wall there, it didn't hurt when he said something bad to me. I was becoming stronger. 

 Then, I still had this problem of being harsh with my daughter. I would say something and it would grieve me that I said it. I remember sitting by my little girls bed after she went to sleep  at night and weep for the way I had treated her. I was sorry for the kind of mother I was to her and I wanted to change. I asked God many times, to give me a heart like His. 

  I didn't change over night. It took a long time, little by little very slowly I did change, but not without a price to pay for my actions. We had a strained relationship when she was a teen.  That relationship was damaged for a long time. 

But I can say that God  DID heal that relationship. We are very great friends now,  I love her with a love that is endless, I cannot help but love her. She has forgiven me and has even forgotten the things I had said in the past. 

 I wrote all this to say, surrendering my life to Jesus was in so many ways life saving. He is the answer. Life won't suddenly turn out wonderful with no problems, but God is there to help get a person to where they need to be. It is a life long transformation. But He doesn't give up on us.

 We all are finite...  creatures who mess up. We do not have to go it alone, we  need the God who created us to show us the way.  Who better to do that? 

 God knew the day He saved me , all the work He would have to do. He knew how I would sin even after he saved me, yet he saved me anyway.....

  That is Grace.