Show me your Heart Lord, and then show me mine.

I have been reading a book lately that has really upset my applecart of theology. And I am so glad!

I have always believed that my prior thoughts about God have been pretty accurate, but now I believe that I was off in a number of ways, Thank God! The Old Testament is quite violent and harsh. And I felt that this God of the Old Testament doesn't seem like the Jesus I know in the New Testament.

But to my surprise, I have found that the loving God of the Old Testament is exactly like Jesus. Even thought God was at times quite severe, His motive was love, because God is LOVE. My understanding of Him had a lot to do with my memories of my finite earthly father.

I have heard that our experiences with our fathers have deep influences on our views about God.

My life like so many, had a lot of twists and turns through my formative years. I was adopted at 2 years old along with my twin sister. My parents already had 7 other children. The story I was told, when I started asking questions about our being adopted was that our biological parents had died in a car accident, and we were orphaned. I guess that my new parents felt that was more acceptable than the fact that my true family was too poor to support me and my twin.

  That was a kind gesture but it wasn't true.  I found out much later that my father was not really my father at all. But that my mother had had an affair resulting in the two of us. We were a reminder of that affair. So the answer was to send us away.

Our new parents did the best they could to be good parents. My dad was from the old school and had a very distinct idea about respect and rules and consequences. He had a tender side, but that was not his predominant character trait. He was short tempered and very strict. He loved us his way but don't cross him and don't be Lolly-gagging when you were told to do something. 

I loved my dad immensely. In my mind when I got into trouble, I surely must have deserved it. I knew how he felt about his rules and his biggest rule was "do not lie to me,. " 

I remember him telling me, "if you lie to me you would steal from me. " That shocked me and hurt me because I never wanted him to feel that way about me.

Mom and Dad provided a lovely home for others to see but one riddled with many things that no one else saw.  Alcoholism, physical and mental abuse among other things. I thought that these things were normal and every family had secrets. 

My parents divorced when I was 16. Dad never came around much after that.

I sought solace in school and in achieving good grades to help me prove myself to myself. It was a challenge, but it kept me going. And I was always looking for that love that everyone needs.

When I was 17, I got pregnant. I knew I had to tell my father. I dreaded it but that conversation had to come. I was engaged and the wedding was to be in May. I had to tell my father on the phone that we were going to be moving the wedding up to February. He then asked me, "are you pregnant?" I had to tell the truth. "Yes, dad, I am." 

His response was, "Do not expect me to give you away, and I won't be at the wedding."

My heart broke.

 I only wanted to be honest, and I had hoped he would be understanding. But he wasn't.

He did show up at the wedding but only in the audience. He did not come to the reception and didn't speak to me at all that day.

My idea of a father daughter relationship was "do everything right and you can be close. But if you mess up, he is done with you. " After all, that had been my experience.

Later in my life of twists and turns I found Jesus.

 Or really, He found me!

 I was at a retreat, invited by a friend, and the presence of the Lord was a big surprise to me. I was encountered by the Lord. The Father, the Alpha and the Omega. The One who saw my life and still rescued me. I was so taken by surprise by his telling me of all the things that He knew about me and my pain.

It was a surprise especially because he did not condemn me. And never has. That was such a huge surprise! That day and many others of complete acceptance have driven me to tell my story.

God is good. God is welcoming. God is always ready to heal hurts, and direct and comfort. 

Through these 44 years of walking with God, tripping up every now and then, repenting and God so graciously restoring, I have never regretted that day of decision to follow Him. He is REAL, and desires that with everyone.  (John 3:16)

He is the Creator, the Sustainer, the Comforter who reached down to me. I didn't reach up or die for him.

He did that for me. 

I am only one of millions who He created and loved from the very beginning. Even before my 1st breath. (Psalm 139:16)

I experienced Gods loving heart that day, and every day since. And over the years, I have realized that my heart is not even a smidgeon close to His loving heart. In His loving way His Light has exposed my heart to me. Simply put... Not pretty. 

Those things that only He knows. And I, to be honest wasn't aware of until His Light of His Word showed me. Those things that might not be apparent to others, but HE knows and shows me and He wants to change my heart to be like His.

You don't have to have a life of abuse, or sorrow to find God. Whatever you have experienced in the past if not hard, can be attributed to God's grace and love.  But to be sure life in this fallen world has problems and my guess is, at some time you have or will experience hard things that are beyond your strength to endure alone. Hé is there for you. He died and rose again and Lives forever so you could know Him and have a relationship with Him. He knows you best and loves you most. He is love. There is no getting around the fact that God is love and God is reaching down for you too!

Our hearts are finite and flawed and tell us things that are not true. But God is true (Romans 3:4)

and He can change all that if we but avail ourselves to Him. 

Show us our hearts Lord, and where they deceive us to believe that You are not interested in each of us.

Old Testament God and His Heart:

How can I give you up Oh Ephraim? Hosea 11:8

They refused to obey and were not mindful of the wonders that you performed among them, but they stiffened their neck and appointed a leader to return to their slavery in Egypt. But you are a God ready to forgive, gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and did not forsake them. Nehemiah 9:17

"Though the mountains be shaken, and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

New Testament God

Everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is Love. 1John 4:8

We love Him because He first loved us.  1John 4:19

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 1John 4:16

Draw us to You  Lord,

In Jesus Name Amen.