Growing Deeper

 I am awakened in the night....with a song on my heart. I decide to get up and find that song,  because for many lonely days  and yes in Christmas Seasons past,  for me it has  been such a reminder of Gods truth and faithfulness...   The song is "I am not Alone" by Natalie Grant. It's powerful! And it resonates in my soul.   Let's face it, this year has been quite a year, in so many, many ways.  An unprecedented pandemic, many lives lost, jobs lost, turmoil, unrest and for many, a lasting loneliness.  For those  this season is not a merry one, but one of pain. Suicides are up even more this year than in years past.   I remember in those days past ,how that deep hole of hopelessness felt. I was there, many times. I was young, and betrayed, by different circumstances and even choices I had made that I thought would be good for me. My days were sad and I felt that I was all alone in my pain.   I did survive,  but barely....

    I found that after I started to read the Bible, it was so thought provoking to me that I could not get enough of it, I took it slow and pondered on many things that Jesus addressed as well as things I came across in the Old Testament.  It answered many questions I had about life. How to treat other people,  What was holy.  Surprising to me was Jesus coming against the religious people of his day.  He came against the way they treated people, addressed being meek and loving God and loving your neighbor as yourself.   I didn't have any close neighbors, but I did have a family. Jesus was using that sermon and others, to speak to me on how I spoke to and treated my oldest daughter ,who was 6 at that time..   To make a long story short, I had a lot of baggage from my own upbringing. I was made fun of as a child from my parents. I was  probably  an overly sensitive child. In any event, I was raised in a dysfunctional family, and married a ...

  The very next week, my friend took me to a Christian Book Store in our little town. She told me that she would like to buy me a Bible. I was very surprised that she would do that for  me. It was a new thing, a friend that would buy me something that would benefit just me. She said it was very important for me to start to have time to read "Gods Word" ( as she called it), the Bible. I ended up picking out a small burgandy leather bound King James Bible. She and I went back to her house and she sat down with me and showed me how to start learning about Jesus. The Bible would not be like any other book I had read. She said for me, it would be good to start in the New Testament, the Gospel of John.  She explained that I should take it slow, maybe a chapter a day. And actually read about Jesus and His ministry.  She also explained something to me that she called a "quiet time." She showed me her prayer journal, a small three-ring binder that she had. In it were section...

 We entered the church and there were about 100 women there. We walked to a row of chairs and sat down.  I was nervous. I didn't really know what to expect.    A woman walked up on the stage there, and introduced herself and then proceeded to lead everyone in songs that were in a pamphlet that was handed to all of us at the door when we arrived there. The songs were really beautiful, and the women there were singing with all their hearts. I was uncomfortable at first, but quickly became enveloped in a peace and presence I wasn't familiar with . These women were singing to the Lord. It made me cry. I was so embarrassed, to be crying. I didn't understand  exactly why I was crying. My lady friend handed me some tissues, and said, "Its okay, don't be embarrassed."   After 3 songs, a lady walked across the stage and started speaking. I cannot remember today exactly what she was speaking about. I just felt that something was happening to me. I felt that God was u...

  Monday came and went. I thought a lot about  my  weekend while I worked at my job in the factory and when I got home. A couple days later,  I stopped in at my lady friends house again. I didn't share with her how I spent my weekend but I realized somehow I needed to change what my life was all about. I needed something; but I had no clue what that was.  Months earlier, I realized that I couldn't leave my husband. I had no where to go. I had no money. We lived paycheck to paycheck. I couldn't leave my kids with HER.. the "other woman".  You see, she lived with us. She was our babysitter. After I found out what was going on at my house with her, I made her leave. I learned that my trying to help someone , (she had it really bad at home) doesn't always work out for me. And... I DID come to believe  that, "No good deed is left unpunished"...Yes, life was a total MESS!    Just a year earlier, life had seemed so promising when we moved down here ...

 It was August 1979, it was hot out and it was a Saturday. I was having another bad day. Upset with the way  my life was for me at that time.   I heard about a party going on that night, in a town close by, that someone had mentioned to me at my work. I worked in a factory and most of the friends I had, worked there too,   I decided, why not go.... my husband at that time had pretty much showed me that I didn't matter, what I felt, didn't matter either. He was involved with another woman, and he had no apologies.   So, I went to the party, I don't remember how I got there or how I got home. I was doing a lot self medicating with Red Bud and pills. When I think back to those days, I can hardly believe how messed up I was. Grasping at straws to cope  and to make my life seem "normal."   My husband  and I had 3 kids. They were 6,4,and 2 years old. We lived in a very small 2 bedroom apartment in a little town in South Eastern Michigan.   Anyway, ...

The alarm went off. "Time to get the kids ready for school," was my first thought. Heading for the kitchen, I searched for what was my first real desire of the day, and every day, my cigarettes.    After opening a fresh pack from the kitchen cupboard, I lit up a cigarette and put it in the ashtray. Then I filled the coffee pot with water and pushed the button on top of the stove to "HIGH".   Everyday it seemed to be getting worse. My problem wasn't going away. As God's Spirit was convicting me, I was in bondage to those little white cancer sticks.  I'd been saved for two and a half years, and since I was first saved, I felt God convicting me of my habit.   He was also trying to make me realize   that I had deliverance from that habit.  " He who the Son has set free, is free indeed."    How many times had I asked for complete deliverance from cigarettes? Only to fall short and light up again.  I'd cut down to a pack a day in my own eff...